it's just another consumer holiday. abstain from buying shit or taking a date out but i'll definitely hit the town the day of.

we never found jr in vegas. greg and me gave up looking and pete was past out. this was around 7am @ the 24/7cafe right in front of the elevator to the suite, i forget what it's called. that place was also the beginning of the miracle mile, it lead right into paris hotel and casino. somehow we got a double 0 room at no extra charge.

the suite was perfect. the ppl, amazing. the vegas environment, dead, completely fucking dead. i should have know better. pure is closed on weds and so is drais. my two favorite places. i used to have connects when i lived in vegas. i dont know about now. it was known on sight or not at all kind of deal. i know you and you know me but no numbers were ever exchanged. it's not liked they were dressed for the occasion, for pete it was a surprise.

jr finally called me back. i was playing $1/$2 nl hold'em by then. i should have gone to sleep. played too long. got food but no rest. i lasted against the vegas crowd for six hours with no sleep while doing just nicely. literally 15 minutes before i was supposed to leave, i get dealt suited ace-queen of spades while first to act. i raise to $15. it gets folded to young kid who calls. he looks like one of the two body guards for michael in the godfather. he's wearing a red and black hunting vest with muted color shirt that reminds me of when you mix togther all the primary colors. he also has mederterain facial features. the crazy aggressive middle eastern who speaks 11 languages puts us all in. i call. so does the god father kid. flop comes nothing for me. it gets checked all around. turn same thing. river brings me nothing. the middle eastern says "show me pocket aces or kings." i turn up my cards and call ace high. The godfthar kid has queen-king off suit. both us kids get knocked out.

so now im broke, back home and killing a jungle juice, the last of the bud and my money. my back account is also negative $200 something $'s. this will all be gone tmrw. thats when i get my unemployment and once again the world will be as it should. generally flawed but still whole enough to make me smile and laugh.

i dont think im a completely helpless soul but i should generally make better decesions. then again i really dont want to yet. this is the crux of my problems, i just dont want to . haha, for some reason this is funny to me. it shouldnt be but it is.

so ummm...lady situation report. the one/s i actually love/like or attracted to are fucked off. all i have to say to this is post your blind, call or raise, sixty percent of hands are decided on the river.

vegas was just ok. i ended up playing cards the whole time. i didnt get laid. i could have gotten into any club but jr, greg and pete didnt bring any dress shoes. jr had these pimp ass air forces that are smoke grey and white. he also rocked my dark grey dress pants from modern. i forget what the cut is called but i got htem in jersay and i love them. my brother pulled them off quite nicely with his fitted daygo hat. this is not vegas clubbing attire. i didnt want to ditch them so we got drunk and wandered around. we eventually all got seperated. by the time this happened to me everything was closed or dead. this was somewhere around 2:33am early thursday morning.

i strolled up and down the strip looking for women anywhere. those that were there already had comapny and i was too drunk to pull a bait and switch. this is also where i wondered into a poker room. i ended up playing cause i wasnt sleepy and bored. bad idea.

eventually greg found me and told me jr is missing. this where i get up and leave. we make it back to the hotel cause greg and me are like fuck it. this is where i start my post and everything is right with the world. lol, my life is a circle. distorious relationships, sex, drugs and rock n roll reside inside my circumference. reality lies outside it with muted efficeincy. people, places and things get recycled. the world moves on. slowly but surely everything gets left behind. especially me, though my clouds have lovely silver linings. i play connect the dots and hop scotch with life. somehow im down two out of three. life has many other games to play. peace and love ppl.

I bought a guitar yesterday. Playing it on a rainy day makes the clouds go away.

my brother is missing in vegas.

so greg's brother pete thinks were going to LA but really were taking him to vegas. he's never been to either. this is gonna be fun. i didnt give my painting experience a proper lj entry but i dont have time right now. tell you guys about it later. peace and love.

i didnt get much sleep the night before last. jr, greg, his brother pete and i played pool at college billiards. decent place. although i suspect the table we played on was not level. maybe im just picky or spoiled. yes im still in love with my cougar's pool table. i also gave L the lets just be friends talk. were in a dysfunctional relationship. were both alcoholics. alcohol brings out the worst in us. i dont really care about her. she's way too attached and im not capable of a relationship right now. it was cool at first but i got bored fast. i have relationship a.d.d. with a lil bipolar thrown in. were supposed to still be cool though so idk. i might babysit for her on thurs if she cant get someone else and i'll getting paid a measly 8 bucks an hour but the benefits are cool. i dont mind. i just practice my shot. fuck around on her laptop. and watch two adolencent boys. monkey is cool as shit. erik's okay.

went off topic but it's ok. the lugas brothers beat us like 5 to 1 in 8-ball. came home to play cards and proceeded to lose at dealers choice. loser buys the next pitcher of beer. 30 bucks later monie picks us up cause were all pretty toasted. jr bought a pint of hennesy earlier in the night so we killed that before she dropped us off. i think we killed like four or five pitchers at the pool hall. we shut the place down and went home. where we played dollar buyin. dealer's choice. i meant to call poker dealer's choice but i was buzzed and somehow fucked it up. so we played a mix of texas hold'em, spoons, three card stud and blackjack. greg went down first. next i was out. then jr and pete decided to play three card stud going all in every hand until there was a winner. pistol pete took it down with guns blazing. were supposed to hit the shooting range sometime before he leaves.

yesterday was the first monday in weeks that i wasnt at L's fucking off. after i woke i took a drive to the mannequin house for some herbal essence. the man was home but kitten was there. she's chaos's girl and cool as shit. anyway i had to head back home since nicole needed her car to do something actually productive while i just wanted to talk to mr nice guy. :)

after i get home kitten calls while im in the shower. I was getting ready to head downtown cause i didnt want to stay at home today. jr was goingdt to see his reflexologist and work out. i had to stop by the mannequine house for a bit and then i thought maybe i'd go to border's or something.

when i got there they had just gotten a fresh set of mannequines from where ever the resident dj gets them from. i picked up and said i'd be back with paint if i got to paint aa mannequin. they agreed and i took off for the armory. they have gucci paint there. i picked up a can of blue, orange, green and a tall boy of silver. i also picked up a white and purple magnum size paint marker. plus a red and purple streaker. cost a pretty penny but was totally worth it.

i think i spent about six hours painting my mannequin. it's done and she's beautiful. i fucking love it. i'm supposed to name her but i havent got around to it yet. i took a few blurry pictures on my phone so i'll post them to my scrapbook after i finish.

so L is really L2 and the real miss L didnt make an apperance last night. fiddle sticks. lolz although she's pretty much fucked off at the moment. disney land got a job at the santa ana zoo so her san diego vacay was cut short.

i need to work on new prospects.

my brother and i were supposed to supposed to get coachella tickets for april but he's backing out. dont know if i wanna go alone. disney land is going to that also so maybe i can hitch a ride with her. have to figure this out by the end of the week.

so i havent got any sleep yet and i think it's time. have a nice day ppl.

there is no gurantee with death but sure, i'll try anything once. ;)

so why do i always call ppl when i black out? sometimes repeatedly. is it because im bored? lonely? depressed? horny? i have no clue but it happens. i even called punk ass simon and gay oscar. wtf. i never call them. i even called fellow apprentice mike horman. not too strange cause i know he likes to drink but now that i think of it, he's on the wagon. oh yeah. apparently J and me had a 16 minute and 37 second conversation that i dont remember. haha, oops.

so i killed the popov yesterday. almost by myself. so much for my liver's extended vacation. his holiday was cut short saturday night. lol, i always personify my body parts. so L got a new 1/2 gallon bottle of captain last night. she came home with the kids and mentioned her that will not be named aka she who walks behind the roses. lolz, the first children of the corn is fucking awesome. word to the wise, dont ever mention her while im drunk. it just makes me an emotional mess. i hate doing that but i cant help it. fucking bipolar-ism. i seriously dislike crying in front of her kids. although i think i've only done it once or twice. then again last night wasnt the first time i blacked out here. they came home and then took off to jusim's. they returned home to me crying like a little bitch. lolz. oh well.

so i just took my first shot of the day. i dont have any plans other than to NOT get really fucked up like yesterday. i might stay here. i might go home. idk. all i know is i have two books to keep me occupied. oh yeah a pool table, laptop with wifi(lol, we got dial up. haha who the fuck still has dial up?) and a half gallon of capatain if i stay here......second shot down.

oh yeah i talked to my favorite tall person ever yesterday. she used to be my conscious and bff. found out why potts sent a threatening email. well not really found out but she filled in the blanks, kinda. i guess they're engaged now. and wtf, he could of just said that and i would have been all...uuuummmm ok.

why must it always be about violence. cant we use our words? then again i do like to bloody my knuckles...and my face apparently. last fight i got into i got my ass whooped by my brother. so im not afrad of getting my ass kicked. some days i actually want to die. i was also shitfaced drunk and blacked out. lolz, thats how i first ended up at the mannequin house.

i got laid my first time there. she had at least...i dont know what double d's to the power of ten is, but she had those. fucking ginormous. real too. white girl. dirty blonde hair. tera. bitch gave me chlamydia. i was still drunk enough to fuck without a condom. she told me not to cum inside her. i didnt. havent seen her since.(favor for a favor. this dick is what i gave her. lol, that's from chronic 2001 if you dont know)

i also woke up outside, on the pavement next to dumpster with only one shoe on. i had my phone still so i called M. needless to say i ended up in the hot tub. i shed my clothes and jumped in naked cause there was a topless lesbian and a fully nude gay A. it just seemed like the thing to do.

im drinking a sugar free redbull. i dont even like energy drinks. you can get the same effect from an apple but its either this or alcohol. so im going with this.

back to books. i got Rave New World. it's a SAT vocabulary novel. for the eurofags it means Standardized Academic Testing. at least thats what i think it means. i learned insouciant while reading the third paragraph. it means nonchalant or untroubled. that describes my personality to the T. even though im everything but.

the other is the "The Great American Novel" johnny got his gun by dalton trumbo. it's fucking depressing. here i'll give ya'll an excerpt

"He would be in this womb forever and ever and ever. He must remember that. He must never expect or hope for anything different. This was his life from now on every day and every hour and every minute of it. He would never again be able to say hello how are you i love you. He would never again hear music or the the whisper of the wind through the trees or the chuckle of running water. He would never again breathe in the smell of a steak frying in his mother's kitchen or the dampness of spring in the air or the wonderful fragrance of sagebrush carried on the wind across a wide open plain. He would never again be able to see the faces of people who made you glad just to look at them of people like Kareen. He would never again be to see sunlight or the stars or the little grasses that grow on the Colorado hillside.

He would never again walk with his legs on the ground. He would never run or jump or stretch out when he was tired. He would never be tired.

If the place in which he lay was burning he would simply stay there and let it burn. He would burn up with it and not be able to make a move. If he should feel an insect crawling over the stump of body that remained he could not move one finger to destroy it. If it stung him he could do nothing to ease the itch except maybe writhe a little against his covers. And this life wouldn't last only today or tomorrow or until the end of next week. He was in his womb forever. It wasn't any dream. It was real."

i know right. fucking depressing. the dude narrating went off to WWII and now has no arms, legs, nose or tongue. oh yeah he's also deaf. what bad fucking luck. luck is when your courage holds. i guess he wasnt too courageous.

well im bored again. i think imma take another shot. i dont know what to write anymore.....shot three down and the redbull has been killed. oh yeah, i couldnt get into the communist manifesto. then again i didnt try too hard.

im working on my left and right english. http://www.ez-shot-ghost-ball.com/cue_ball_english_2.html i wanna get good enough at pool to play for money with ease of mind. i dont if you guys know or not but i love games of strategy and skill. my faves being texas hold em and chess. pool is another of my faves but im not good enough yet to gamble on it.

so there was a cat and a smile but the cat attacked and left her claws in my back. now everytime i move i can feel it, pressing against the cord of my spine. it's hurts. it still fucking hurts. although it's a pain i can live with, cause if i didnt have it i wouldn't have met this cool cat at all. and that i couldnt live with. or maybe i could cause then i would be blissfully ignorant of all the litte details that i remember. if you havent noticed im talking about she who walks behind the roses. she now smiles for someone else. and everything is my fault. guess what?? i didnt cry while writing this. hi fucking five-ness.

shot 4 down. so my cougar's son monkey friended me on facebook. his one note is a survey. quesition 32. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
some fat chick that likes me & wannabe emos, and real emos

i lol'd so hard when i read that. so i have shot 5 and 6 already poured and they are staring me down. although i know i shouldnt drink them yet, i feel like bitch slapping them for mad dogging me. gosh i have problems. lolz. i also left the bottle at the bar cause i know if its any closer i'll drink it all. and then that would be alcohol poisoning all over again. dont want that.

so i just thought of something. i should stop drinking. not in general but just right now. i killed what was left of a half gallon of popov yesterday and blacked out. when i woke up next to the pool table a quater of the captain was gone. L said that was her cause she was trying to catch up but im sure i drank some of that too. and now im working on the captain right now. if i dont stop drinking my liver is gonna picket. and that does not feeling fucking good at all. it's called alcohol poisoning.

ok no more drinking until later. at least thats the plan. plans never work for me but i want this one to work. can you tell im an alcoholic? shot 5 and 6.....the end?

yes and yes. it didnt work out as planned. welcome to my life.

so the wagon lost its wheels on saturday. i was doiing fine until jules got to the party. she kept saying you're not driving or drinking, what the heck. after about an hour of that i had all the rationalization i needed. you know what...im a lot more social when im drinking. then again she did get her ass a concussion by the end of the night so yeah...im still pretty sure ndn's and alcohol are destined for trouble. at least i am. me and L killed what was left of the gin and im now working on the popov. yes its the half gallon size. she's asleep but dont worry though. im not drinking it like its water, like i said, never again will i consume that much alcohol. oh yeah i tried artificial bud. i forget what it was called but i got hella fucking high. good looking cody. he likes bud but is still in the marines. im just chillin at L's. definitely not drunk or buzzing although i've been taking shots off and on for a few hours. im bored and i cant sleep. this blows. too bad this is mira mesa and everything is far. i guess i could start calling ppl and see whats going on but its like almost 2am already. so L paid off M for me so im not exactly broke anymore. well i spent like 15 bucks last night so im down to 20 dollars. this has to last me til my unemployment comes in. hopefully thats friday. it should be anyways. im also going to knotts berry farm this weekend. were also going couch surfing. it'll be my first time ever. i even created an account. well sisty six seconds til heaven. it's called white castle and i definitely know what harold and kumar were after. ok. peac and love

so now i remember why i dont chill with other natives. my friend is at the hospital with a concussion. 30 minutes after i left i guess shit went down. i dont know the whole story but they were leaving and then she didnt see her friend. apparenty she was getting her ass kicked. and my friend tried to pull ppl off her friend and some bitch ass mother fucking dude hit her over the head. this is why natives will never amount to nothing. at least in my opinion. maybe minorities in general. there's no such thing as cooperation or cohesion. let alone harmony. yes im drunk but who cares.

So I guess I over reacted just a tad bit due to the threating words of his email. I guess you had nothing to with it. Dang, I didn't even know I was still an issue. I guess being tall, dark and handsome is not all its cracked up to be. may you both still always walk in beauty.

What the hell kind of web have you spun cami. This is fucking ridiculous. Somehow you have awaked a sleeping bear. Nothing you read on mypace is about you. I read this book and it talked about manifest destiny with something resembling I what I wrote but said it better. It made me sad. Wtf. Not everything I write has secret messages for you. That game between you and me has long passed. I loved you once and that time is done. Sure you read breif mentionings in this journal but its nothing of serious importance. The emails were for closure on my part. amd that was long ago. It helped me forget to put it in words. I no longer drink my sorrows away because of what I regret with you. As of now I have no regrets left that I need alcohol to deal with. And I now is have this duel one day. Or if it even still matters. I don't respond well to threats. May you both always walk in beauty.

so im still up. got lots of sleep last night and this morning. i think my body was exhausted by this past weekend's ordeal. i definately feel one hundred percent again. mostly relaxed at the house today. my unemployment still hasnt come in and im still down to five dollars. not the best of situations but i've been in worse.

so i finshed Once a King Always a King-The Unmaking of a Latin King and Bodega Dreams. The first took almost a week to read because i read it on and off but i started and finished bodega dreams today. i can blow through books if im not fucking off doing something or other. they were both library books i checked out last week. i have one more i have to read before i take them all back. it's the communist manifesto. i've been told to read it by a couple ppl so i've decided to give it a try. it'll either grab my attention or i'll get bored and never finish it.

so my cougar is telling me she loves me. this is not something i want. im not ready to love anyone i think. im still getting over the last one. little by little its getting better there are still times where it hits me hard. it's usually i could have been doing this right now and it turns a happy moment into a very sad one. it happpened on christmas and that's the last time i remembered it happening but there have definately been others. i've done it with my cougar many of times. mostly happens when i've been drinking. or blacked out. ok im getting a lil off subject. she telling me loves me and i dont want to hurt her feelings. so far the official status between us is that were in an open relationship. i dont want that to change but she definately got mad at me the day after new years when she couldnt find her keys. she said she alone cause i was talking to erika(who's not fucked off like i thought) on the phone and pretty much obliviously drunk with not a care in the world. we partied at the mariott in UTC. her coworkers got a room and there was a salsa thing going on downstairs. i had lots of fun. she cant dance salsa too well and i ended up dancing with different women until we left. she wasnt mad then but who knows. she probably was and just didnt say anything. im starting to think by now she's gotten used to it maybe. idk. anyway im supposed to see her sunday and marisa's supposed to be there. i dont know how im gonna deal with her i love you's if they continue. i just dont want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like i just cut out and left. dang.

oh yeah, i've definately decided im an alcoholic and i have a slight drug problem. seriously. i also have mad legal issues. so the plane is to take my ass to court but not before i do a bunch of AA meetings, do my madd class and enroll in my first conviction program that i should done last year by march or april. i forget. oh yeah i dont know how im going to go about the misdemanor graffiti charge. if i put off for too long they will definately come knocking at my door. my courgar told me to get a lawyer but i cant afford that. i could barely manage to pay rent and utilities last month due my fucking off. lolz im a mess but i definately have big plans for this year.

i wanna start my college shit i've been putting off. i think imma do the online university of maryland thing that works with my apprenticeship and will get me a AA in labor something or other. my old instructor told us that all we have to do is a few essays and bam! its a done deal. then i wanna start college classes for something. i just dont know what yet. all i know is ive bee putting things off for way too long.

oh yeah the job call outlook is not good but i have unemployment still to fall back on. thank someone for that at least. once the checks start rolling i have to be disciplined and not fuck anymore. like seriously or things are just going to get worse.

oh yeah i've also decided to take a break from drugs and alcohol for a while. at least until all my shits done and over with and i got my drivers licence back with my life back on track. i dont know how long that will take because my life is seriously fucked off. books always help to keep me out of trouble so im going to just start reading again. havent read shit in ages because all i've been doing was sex drugs and rock and roll. shit has to stop. i might even have to spend some time in jail.

well imma tired and i should be getting to bed. night flist. wish me luck.

so im still alive. im better now. actually not quite perfect yet but well enough to leave this place....

she emailed me this from work. supposed to be what aura colors were tis weekend or just in general cause i didnt ask. she's super busy at work doing ot and stuff. im still at her place waiting for my sisters bf to pick me up.


Yellow - Love and kindness, compassion, optimism; "breath of life."

YELLOW
Yellows love to sit around and discuss, theorize and analyze. You'll often find them hanging out in bohemian cafes, huddled around steaming espressos - enthusiastically debating how to solve the worlds problems. To them, life is one great mental riddle that can be solved in a logical and systematic manner. Innately curious, a yellow is always asking questions. Like Star Trek's Mr. Spock, a yellow's approach to life is primarily mental and cerebral. A yellow would probably rather discuss your political views on a first date than ravish your body. If you are turned on by intelligence, quick wit, and an optimistic attitude about life, go with Mr. or Ms. Yellow.

lolz, i can agree with most of it except the ravishing the body o n the first date. i dont really care too


Pink

This vibrant colour sometimes appears in a particular part of the aura or may colour the entire field. I don't define this colour as a category, but rather as a sign which indicates the person is falling in love, or about to. Fuchsia pink also represents universal or unconditional love. Often, people who are very close and spend a lot of time together will "match energy" and their auras will look almost identical. Their energy fields vibrate to the same frequency, and are in balance. Partners in such relationship will feel very comfortable and in harmony with one another. The energy of love also vibrates at a very high frequency rate. When one is in love the aura expands and intensifies its colour and brilliancy. Isn't it always easy to tell when someone is in love? Their whole being seems to sparkle and shine, and they look more alive. You're actually noticing and responding to their extra vibration.

never say never but never again will i consume so much alcohol. my liver hates me with a fucking passion. ok, new years resolution numero uno, no more fuckinh alcohol. like no mas. dont about ever but lets just say a.....hmmmmm let's start with this day.

the end....?

this not good. i gave myself alcohol poisoning again. yes it fucking blows donkeys for quarters. idk. i just dont. some one just kill me already. i just want the alcohol to leave my body with the quickness. ok lets not do that again. hair of the dog was a really bad idea. i cant stop shaking and it fukcking sucks/.. im hating life right now. i dont know. fuck i cant evemn write anything worth readings.

im fucked up. seriously. real reaL fucked up. i drank too much. last time i checked it was 2009. its def not 2009 anymore....ummm,mm hair of the dag was a bad idea

paint by numbers, if only there was a written version. then again i never liked reading directions. i don't know what i'm writing, my fingers are once again moving on their own.

i went to L's party on saturday. it was fun. i convinced jr to go. he only stayed for a lil bit. i had a fun gamE night....


was gonna update more about the weekend but i got distracted. and like OMFG, i've never done the craigslist thing and thought i'd never would but this is seriously like shooting fish in a barrel with a shotgun. fuck this shit sucks that i cant drive. a few more months and it wont be an issue. at least hope. fuckin court and fuckin mee

i didnt post an ad. i just responed and im getting a 75% reply ratio.

.............................................................................

hahahah, im drunk and i've now decided that im going friends only again. i know it's stupid but i wanted to show my ex what my life is really like. yes, yes i know. retarded right? lolz, thats why im going frenz only again.

this sucks. i just started crying. i hate it. im such a fucking mess. im also already drunk as shit. i killed the sailor last night and now i've started on the jack. there's also vodka, gin and more gin. half gallon size. my cougar went to work. there's also ppol table with no one to play.

so im playlist.com. searched for placebo and now im playing a playlist called cheer up emo kid. hahhahahahah, lolz. cant believe it.

im still drunk and about to play with myself. no, that's not what your thinkin bout. it's called nine ball. peace and frybread ppl.

i don't feel any social "obligations" due to the holidays. i'm navajo. all these holidays are foriegn so blah and more blah.